Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
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just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
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Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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