I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
