why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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