she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
