Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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