He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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