So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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