I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
