Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
