I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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