My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
