Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
