two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
