Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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