I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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