omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I pour the whiskey from now on
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
