I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
