i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
