loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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