The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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