wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
