Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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