Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
