We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
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Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
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the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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