I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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