Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
