My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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