Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
