Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong