I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.