It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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