I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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