and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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