The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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