I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
