Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
