i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
