If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize