hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
