when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
