i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
