My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
