I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
