my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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