I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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