Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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