sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
