The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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