Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
