Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
