all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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