I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
