Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
