Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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