drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
