My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
