I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
